


Can We Do It Again?

by frapandfurious, oorsprong



Series: Two Thousand Two [2]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Boyfriends, Cuddling & Snuggling, Family Drama, Family Issues, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Protective Hux, Sad Kylo Ren, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, benarmie
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-22
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-10-09 02:23:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10401621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frapandfurious/pseuds/frapandfurious, https://archiveofourown.org/users/oorsprong/pseuds/oorsprong
Summary: He thumped down the steps two at a time and slid his shoes on, pausing a moment to look down at the untied laces and remember Hux's fingers tugging at them."I know that look."Ben jumped at his father's voice in the doorway. He hadn't seen him standing there."You got a special someone?" The infuriatingly smug look on his father's face almost made Ben want to change his mind.





	1. Chapter 1

When Ben sat down at the kitchen table across from his mother and father he already knew what they were going to say.  In retrospect it was obvious but he tried to wish it away even so.  As though wishing things could make them real.  Hadn’t he just spent the night with Armitage Hux curled up beside him?  The memory felt like a dream.

 

And this felt like a nightmare.

 

“Ben,” his mother began, clearing her throat.  “We  _ will _ be having a talk about your behavior because what happened last night was unacceptable and it’s not going to happen again.  But your father and I have agreed to table that discussion for the moment.  You’ve lost phone, computer, and television privileges until next Saturday.  I don’t want to hear any argument about this.  Am I understood?”

 

Ben looked from his mother, taking in the stern but weary set of her features, to his pensive father and then slumped in his chair.

 

“Understood,” he muttered.  “Just tell me what’s going on.”

 

“Kid, we didn’t want it all to come out this way but--”

 

His mother raised a hand, a flash of anger crossing her face.  “Han, stop it.  This is for the good of our family.  I don’t want you leading with this negativity.”

 

His father opened his mouth as though he wanted to object and then closed it again and scowled down at the table.

 

“I’ve been offered a job in New York.  It’s a tremendous opportunity and not one I’m in a position to turn down.”

 

That… wasn’t exactly what Ben was expecting. He frowned, trying to push down the new wave of dread.

 

“So we’re… moving?”

 

His parents exchanged glances and as if responding to a secret signal between them his father corrected him.

 

“Your mother will be moving to New York, Ben.  And you have the opportunity to go with her.”

 

Ben stared at the space between them as he processed this. His mother - not their family, just her - moving to  _ New York? _ That meant his parents would be living apart, but did that mean they were…

 

Then the second part of his father’s words caught up with him.

 

_ You have the opportunity to go with her _ .

 

He couldn’t help it - his first thought was of Hux. Hux, his...his  _ boyfriend _ .

 

He didn’t know how long he went without answering, but it must have been too long, because his mother cleared her throat and asked, “Would you like that, Honey?  To go to New York?  There’s a private school there that’s been highly recommended.  I’ve sent away for information for new students.  It would be an adventure for both of us.  Your father and I are excited for you to have this opportunity.”

 

His father nodded but his face held a pained look.

  
“It’ll be good for you, your mom knows what she’s talking about.”

 

“No,” Ben croaked before his father had even finished speaking. He wasn’t sure what he was even saying no to - his parents moving apart, New York, private school. All of it, maybe. He just knew it all felt horribly, sickeningly  _ wrong _ . He swallowed, shook his head a little. “No.”

 

“I know that it’s a lot to process,” his mother began.  She trailed off as he stood, pushing back from the table with a violent motion.

 

“I’m not going to New York.”

 

His father leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest.  “Take time to think it over, okay?  We’re still going to be seeing a lot of one another, we’re gonna go camping together this summer no matter what.  I promise.”

 

Ben shook his head.  “I’m  _ not _ going to New York, you can’t make me go anywhere!”

 

He fled to his room, his mother’s helpless assurance that they would have words about this later following him.

 

He ended up sticking it out up there until dinner, music playing loud through his headphones so that he didn’t have to hear it if his parents argued downstairs and wishing more than anything that Hux was there with him. Hux would know what to do. Just thinking about last night still made him warm all over. How they’d tossed and turned, struggling to find a comfortable sleeping position. Until that moment Ben assumed that when you shared a bed with someone you could fall into their arms and sleep all night together.  But limbs fell asleep and hands grew too hot for comfort and they ended up facing one another with their knees touching.  Until Hux muttered something about Ben’s “garlic breath” and rolled over, taking Ben’s arm with him so that he pressed up against that narrow back with his nose buried in messy red hair.  Hux had slept then while Ben’s heart pounded.

 

The morning after, Hux whispered a drowsy, “I’m awake,” into his ear and touched his cheek before heading off to shower.  Ben brought his fingers to that spot on his cheek again, a thrill rippling through him at the memory.

 

With the others awake Ben couldn’t get Hux alone again and their awkward goodbyes fell short of his expectations, the promise of kissing practice hanging between them and making his heart ache.  He’d even rinsed his mouth out with mouthwash just in case.

 

The sun hung low in the sky and cast gold light through the window of his room when he heard loud knocking on his door. Wondering what he’d done now, he pushed the headphones off and sat up.

 

“What?” he snapped.

 

“Can I come in?” His father’s voice sounded placatory; Ben could almost picture the look on his face. He didn’t sound angry, though.

 

“Yeah. I guess.”

 

The door opened and his father slipped inside, shutting it quietly behind him. Ben shut off his music and moved to the edge of the bed. His father pulled up his desk chair and sat across from him.

 

“You okay?”

 

Ben shrugged and kept his head down so that his face was partly hidden by his hair. His father sighed.

 

“Listen. I know this is hard. And I’m sure you have a lot of questions. Now, I know you’re grounded but it doesn’t count if one of us takes you somewhere, right?” His father smirked a little but it slipped away as quickly as it appeared. “So I was thinking, if you don’t have any big tests or anything on Monday, I can send in an excuse for you and we can… hang out? Maybe grab lunch or something. Just you and me.”

 

Ben frowned and glanced up.

 

“What about m-”

 

“I’ll tell your mother, don’t worry. She might not love the idea of you missing a day, but… I think this is important.

 

Ben considered this. He and his father butted heads a lot, often over dumb things, but there was something similar in their natures that even he couldn’t deny. Sometimes, like now, it felt like his father understood the part of Ben that needed to run from things.

 

_ If you don’t go to school, you won’t see Hux _ , his mind reminded him.

 

But if he did go to school, he’d have to face his teachers, his classmates,  _ and _ Hux, and try to focus in class, all while knowing what he knew now. He didn’t think he could do that, not yet.

 

He shrugged again, not quite letting his father have the satisfaction of having done something right.

 

“Okay,” he finally said. When stayed quiet, his father rose from the chair with a sigh and pushed it back into place.

 

“Dinner will be ready soon. I’m going to eat now and then go run some errands so that you and your mother can talk a little.”

 

Ben could feel Han’s eyes on him kept his own trained on the carpet. His father took a half-step closer and reached a hand towards Ben’s head as if to ruffle his hair, like he used to when Ben was little. At the last second the movement faltered and his hand came down to clasp Ben’s shoulder. He held it there and for a moment Ben thought he might say more. Instead he sighed again, gave his shoulder a pat, and left him alone.

 

\--

 

After the rollercoaster Friday and Saturday had been, Sunday’s quiet should have been a relief. Instead, it  _ dragged _ , which gave Ben far too much time to think.

 

His father was gone when he woke up and didn’t come back until the evening; his mother stayed in her office most of the day. He was still grounded and so he couldn’t watch TV, couldn’t play games on the computer in their basement, couldn’t call Hux let alone go see him. Instead he spent a lot of time laying on his bed  _ thinking _ about him, imagining what he might say the next time he saw him, or what he might do. He tried to imagine doing  _ boyfriend things _ like holding hands and kissing; every time it gave him butterflies.

 

Even daydreaming about Hux got old after a while when he couldn’t act on any of it, so he got up. He finished his chores in a timely manner, half out of boredom and half hoping it would encourage his mother to lighten his sentence. He rearranged the knick-knacks on the shelf above his bed. He looked through his closet and found things he forgot he even  _ owned _ , then shoved them back in to continue gathering dust. He tried, for about ten minutes, to write a note to Hux, something he could slip into his locker or backpack for him to find. But it all sounded sappy and weird and every draft ended up crumpled up on his desk. He spent another five minutes sitting across from his trashcan shooting them in.

 

At one point he was so bored he actually worked on his homework.

 

Dinner with his mother was awkward, but at least they didn’t fight. When his father returned home a little after eight he hurriedly put his music on again, just in case.

 

He’d never been so glad to go to bed as he was that night. And though he was frightened at the prospect of talking with his father tomorrow about this  _ thing _ he’d been avoiding all day, when it was over he’d be one day closer to seeing Hux again.

 

\----

 

For all that he'd spend Sunday wishing for Monday, when Monday finally came Ben woke up with a small seed of dread in his stomach, which grew as the morning went on.

 

His mother had left first thing and his father had been puttering around in the garage so at least he'd had some space. Still, oddly enough he found himself wishing for the familiarity of school, even if his teachers were overbearing and his classmates obnoxious. At least Hux was there.

 

_ Hux _ . As much as it thrilled Ben just thinking about him, it was also currently another cause for anxiety. Since he was grounded, he hadn't been able to tell Hux that he wouldn't be in school today; what if Hux thought he was avoiding him? What if he thought Ben didn't want...

 

No. Ben pressed his face into the pillow and forced himself not to consider that he'd already screwed this up.

 

He was immensely relieved to hear his father's voice call to him from downstairs.

 

"You ready, Kid?"

 

"Uhhhhh-" Ben scrambled out of bed, changed from boxers and a hoodie to jeans and a different hoodie, and ran a hand through his hair a couple times. "Yeah!"

 

"Good! Let's go while the pie's fresh."

 

That almost made Ben smile. Jodeen's was possibly his favorite place. Even with the lingering anxiety, he was pretty sure he could put back at least a breakfast combo and a slice of their lemon pie.

 

He thumped down the steps two at a time and slid his shoes on, pausing a moment to look down at the untied laces and remember Hux's fingers tugging at them.

 

"I know that look." 

 

Ben jumped at his father's voice in the doorway. He hadn't seen him standing there.   


 

"You got a special someone?" The infuriatingly smug look on his father's face almost made Ben want to change his mind and ask him to drive him to school instead, but the thought of walking in late with everyone's eyes on him shot that idea down quickly.   


 

"So, I'm driving?" Ben changed the subject as he snatched the keys from the hook by the door.

 

His father snatched them from his hand just as quickly.

 

"Nice try. You've barely had your permit three weeks and so far all you've done is donuts in the school parking lot."

 

Ben glared but didn't argue.

 

The ride there was quiet. Ben watched the familiar scenery pass by and thought about experiencing all the lame things this town had to offer but this time with Hux as his boyfriend.

 

At the diner, they made small talk about the food and the other customers until their meals came, then were quiet again while devouring them. His father seemed as reluctant to broach the topic at hand as Ben was.

 

When the waitress came to take their plates, his father put in the order for their pie.

 

All out of distractions, there was nothing left but to address the elephant in the room.

 

His father sat across from him with his hands on the table, fidgeting. When Ben looked down at them he realized he was fidgeting with his wedding ring.

 

“I told how your mother and I met, didn’t I?”

 

“Yeah,” Ben said softly,  “At a roller rink.”

 

Han laughed, a hearty laugh that transformed him into a younger man before Ben’s eyes.

 

“Well, sure, when you put it that way it seems pretty corny.  But I used to DJ at that roller rink.  Did you know that? It was out in San Ramon, not far from Berkeley where your mother went to college.  She and her friends would go on the weekends.”

 

Ben shook his head.  His father had a pretty impressive collection of music, most of which was stashed away in storage.  But he hadn’t known about the DJ part.

 

“So she requested a song or something?”  Ben fidgeted with a sugar packet as his father answered, expecting a long story but genuinely interested to know how it happened.  His parents never talked much about life before he was born.

 

“Something,” Han offered with smirk.  “It was a crappy gig but it paid the bills.  I was thirty years old and staying out of trouble.  Your old man used to get himself in a lot of trouble.  Anyway, I took the job because I got to play my records.  Fall of nineteen-eighty-- everyone was still into disco.  Which I liked, sure, and I’d spin those old Motown records when I had the chance.  And one night your mother rolls past my station in a white dress with her hair in two long braids like a hippie princess.  I had a whole list of requests in front of me but I put it aside and got on my mic and said, ‘This goes out to the lady in white.’  I put on Hot Chocolate’s “You Sexy Thing” and she and her two friends were laughing…”  He took a sip of his coffee and smiled at a spot over Ben’s head as though lost in the memory.

 

“Later on they caught me heading out for the night, came up, started laughing and joking with me-- teasing and flirting the way girls do.  They were teasing your mother too, saying she should give me her number.  She played it cool and so I gave her mine.  Then she told me she was a student at the college and a sophomore at barely eighteen-- graduated early, you know?  Well that put the brakes on it for me.  She was just a kid.  But she was smart and well-spoken-- the smartest person I’d ever met and still is. So she came by to chat when I was working on Saturday nights and I thought, hell, I’ll take her out for a drink but nothing’s gonna happen.  Well that night Lando was at the club, you remember me telling you about my buddy, Lando?”

 

Ben knew all about Lando.  One of his father’s friends from “the old days”-- every story less believable than the one before.  He wondered how much of it was true and how much of it was hyped up to make the story better.  His dad did that all the time.

 

“So I pick your mother up in the old station wagon and she’s in a dancing dress with her hair done up, boy did she look terrific, and Lando’s talking to the bouncer and I think I’m gonna really blow her mind and introduce her to the owner of the club.  He turns that thousand watt smile on her and I get all nervous thinking he’s going to put the moves on her.  That’s just how he was, a big time charmer, you know?  And sure enough we get this cozy table in the back and she’s telling me about her classes.  She was majoring in political science, you know.”   
  


“I know, Dad.” This part, at least, he knew about.

 

“Well, okay so she’s telling me about her classes and Lando comes up and starts in with the smooth talking so I pulled her away to dance.  I took her back to her dorm that night--a perfect gentleman!”  He put his hands up in a defensive gesture.  “Just wanted to show her a good time.  But the next week I get a call from her saying she wants to go back to the club and bring her girlfriends and maybe we could meet up.  So we ended up spending a lot of time there together talking and dancing every few weekends.  I was seeing this girl-- this waitress out in Valle Vista.  Well, that ended pretty quickly.”

 

“Did mom know,” Ben asked, despite himself.  He’d never heard of any of these places and the idea of his mother having this whole secret life in California intrigued him.

 

“No, Kid, that’s just how it was in those days.  You might see a girl from time to time and take her out but unless you were an item it was all just dating-- having a good time, you know?  You could see a different girl another night.  Your mother and I weren’t serious, we weren’t even dating really.  In all that time we never kissed, cross my heart, Kid.  I liked spending time with her but she was young and she had that college thing going for her and she didn’t need some older man coming along and distracting her from that.  I’d had my own troubles with women.  I wasn’t ready for anything serious.  But oh, she had other ideas.

 

“So by this time she’s getting to know Lando and the girls-- these two girls he always had on his arm at the club, Ralena and Louie.  These girls… they were real party girls, Ben.  You know what I mean?  They would come around if you had the bread but if you weren’t buying they wouldn’t look twice at you.  Lando was a flashy guy and he liked to throw the money around so they hung around and they were fun but I never got involved in that.”

 

Han paused and frowned as though he’d maybe said too much.  Ben leaned forward, rapt.

 

“So Lando starts making noises about going to Vegas and living like kings on the strip-- staying at the classiest hotels, betting big at the tables… and he invites your mother to come along and to my surprise she starts to seriously consider it.  These girls are talking it up, saying that Lando’s gonna take care of everything.  And I start getting nervous, you know, she’s a sweet kid and I don’t like her getting mixed up with these girls and Lando’s schemes.  And I told her so-- you can imagine how that went over.  She lays into me, telling me she’s an adult and she can take care of herself.  But if I’m really worried I can come along too.  Well I tell you what, kid, I couldn’t do it.  See, I got into some trouble there back in seventy-six and let’s just say I wasn’t too keen to show my face in town again.”

 

His father grimaced and shook his head.  “That’s neither here nor there.  The point is, I’d had some trouble in the past with… gambling.  You’re old enough to know that now.  And I wasn’t going to get pulled back into it.  I made your mother a counter offer-- told her I’d hitch my old camping trailer to the station wagon and take her north to redwood country.  We could sleep out under the stars-- the whole back to nature thing.  And of course I promised to be the perfect gentleman, no funny business.  Just a weekend in the woods   Well she liked that just fine and I guess you know the rest.”

 

“The rest?”  Ben barely noticed the waitress refilling his orange juice and muttered a thanks as an afterthought at her back.

 

“Sure, you know.  We came back after a weekend in the woods and she was my girl.  That’s all there was to it.”  Han sat back and grinned at the waitress who set their pie on the table.  

 

“Thanks, Yelena, and bring the check when you have a moment, the kid and I are gonna catch a movie.

 

Ben frowned.  “What movie?” he asked after the waitress left.

 

“I was thinking we could go see that new thriller with Jodie Foster-- the one with the panic room.  Looks good.”

 

“Dad,” he said softly, putting his fork down without taking a bite, “Why is Mom doing this?”

 

For some reason Ben expected him to either get defensive or play it off with a joke.  Like he was too young to understand whatever stupid thing they were fighting about.  To his shock his father put his own fork down and laced his fingers together like he sometimes did when he didn’t know what to do with them.

 

“I messed up.  Your mother… she doesn’t want you to know.  But you’re old enough to know.  Man to man.  Do you understand?”

 

The prospect of learning something his mother didn’t want him to know had him glancing up eagerly to lock eyes with Han, despite the growing fear of what that knowledge would bring.

 

“Sure.”  He swallowed.  “Okay.”

 

Han closed his eyes for a moment and shook his head.  “This is hard for me, Kid.  I just want you to know that I never meant to hurt you or your mother.  I just… I fucked it up.”

 

Ben had heard his dad curse before but never like this.  Not to him.  Not as part of some terrible confession that already had him wishing he was sitting in class instead, blissfully ignorant of whatever mysterious problems the adults in his life were having.

 

“I mentioned some trouble I had in Vegas back in the seventies.  I was lucky to pay off my debts and get out of town.  I promised myself I’d never get that way again.  But I made some money on a game last year... a bet.  Good money.  Your mom didn’t know-- couldn’t know.  If she’d known…”

 

He scratched the back of his neck and cleared his throat.

 

“I got stupid.  Lost that money six months ago and then I thought I could win it back.  Your mother and I have a savings account...”

 

Ben stared at his own hands in his lap, feeling a wave of nausea as his father continued to speak.  He wanted to push back from the table and flee, or crawl under the table like he used to when he was a kid.  Most of all he wanted his father to just stop talking.  He placed his hands on the pie plate and shoved it away from him to the middle of the table.

 

“I’m not hungry,” he said, unable to meet Han’s eyes.

 

They weren’t speaking when the waitress returned.  From behind the curtain of his hair he heard his father ask her to box up both pieces of pie.  Eyes bigger than their stomachs, he assured her with a forced laugh.  Ben couldn’t imagine eating that piece of pie.  It would end up in the trash.  

 

Feeling numb, he followed his father out to the parking lot, climbed in the truck, buckled his seatbelt.  

 

“Ben.”  His father reached over and touched his shoulder.

 

“I want to go home.”

 

“Right.”

 

The drive home was the longest of his life.

 

\--

 

Ben had been half asleep on Monday night when the phone rang.  He rolled over in irritation, his head heavy and his nose raw from crying.  After three rings it stopped.  He heard his mother’s angry footsteps on the stairs.  The phone rang again, just once.

 

Hux.

 

He knew without a shadow of a doubt.  It had to be Hux trying to get in touch with him.  Or warning him, like a signal that he was on his way.  Clothes spilled from his hamper as he dug through it, trying to find a pair of pants, a clean shirt.  He crept downstairs in his socks and unlocked the back door, winced at the frigid concrete of the top step, wet from the evening rain.  His socks would be soaked through.  Ben padded out into the wet grass and around the gate into the front yard where he stood with his arms crossed over his chest.

 

Hux took his sweet time.  Or maybe Ben had underestimated the trek between their houses, so anxious was he over standing out in the cold on the slim hope that Hux would appear.

 

“Took you long enough,” Ben called at the figure that materialized out of the darkness, paused for a moment and then rushed across the grass in his direction.

 

As he drew closer, he noticed something familiar about the hoodie Hux was wearing, several sizes too big for him. Really, really familiar…

 

“That’s my hoodie,” Ben said as he stopped within a foot of Hux, stuttering forward and then stopping himself again, unsure. Was he supposed to hug him? Kiss his cheek? Was it too soon for that?

 

“You left it at my house,” Hux said, voice half-irritated and half-fond. “I’ve been wearing it since then,” he confessed, “even though it smells like that gross body spray you use. I was going to give it back at school today, but… Ben, where were you?”

 

“My dad wanted to do some father-son bonding shit,” Ben said, like it didn’t matter.  He hoped his eyes weren’t still puffy.  “I wanted to go to school.  I wanted to see you.”

 

He took another step closer, so close it would be awkward if they didn’t touch.  He wanted to put his hands on Hux’s shoulders.  Didn’t know how to start it.

 

“You were supposed to kiss me,” he said, feeling stupid.

 

Hux stepped closer too. His eyes swept over Ben’s face, brow pinched with concern. He could probably tell Ben wasn’t telling him something, they’d known each other long enough, but he didn’t push.

 

“I wanted to,” Hux said. He slipped his hand into Ben’s loosely. “But not in front of everyone. I wanted you to myself but you had to leave.” He was blushing.  Something unclenched deep in Ben’s chest, releasing an ugly ache he didn’t even known he’d been holding.  Without thinking he reached out to take Hux’s other hand and leaned in, closing his eyes, relying on his memory of where exactly Hux’s lips were.  A mistake.  They bumped noses twice before he even got close.

 

On the third try Ben’s nose jabbed his cheek and Hux huffed. Ben was about to stutter out an apology when Hux’s hands came up and pushed his hair out of his face. He grasped Ben’s ears and tugged, gently but firmly, until his head tilted to one side. At the same time, Hux tilted his the other way and pressed their lips together.

 

As first kisses went, he supposed it was pretty good.  Despite a clumsy start he caught the rhythm after a moment, little sparks going off in his chest and fingers and… other places… as they slowly rubbed their mouths together before parting.  

 

“Can we do it again?” Ben whispered, closing his eyes and enjoying the sensation of Hux caressing his ears.

 

He felt Hux’s warm breath as he leaned in close.

 

“Yes.  But you have to tilt your head.  Big-nosed idiot,” he murmured against Ben’s lips with a breathy laugh, softening the taunt with a kiss to the bridge of his nose.

  
Ben shut him up with another kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> special thanks to [kyluxtrashcompactor](http://archiveofourown.org/users/kyluxtrashcompactor) who gave the boost of confidence I needed after writing Han's memories to post them as they were -- oorsprong


	2. Chapter 2

Ben spent the next morning at school reeling between a state of helpless elation and anxiety.  Every time he spoke to Hux he said the wrong thing.  He stared too long and smiled too much.  Heat rushed to his face without warning.  

 

Hux didn’t seem to notice at all but he didn’t seem to want to be physical with him either.  It relieved Ben because he wasn’t sure he could have handled an audience but it also worried him.  What if Hux didn’t want to kiss a guy who was clearly bad at it?  What if he decided he didn’t want to be Ben’s boyfriend on a whim?  Hadn’t he decided they were going to be together just as randomly?

 

Then at lunch they were laughing about something and Hux leaned against him for a moment, turning every nerve in Ben’s body into a flickering candle.

 

“Let’s go outside.”

 

Hux nodded and followed Ben as he slung his battered Jansport bag over one shoulder and headed for the senior parking lot, showing their I.D.’s at the door.  Both were allowed off campus at lunch though they never actually went anywhere, preferring the benches by the designated smoking lot or the bleachers by the track so they could yell at Phasma and Mitaka when they had outdoor gym.

 

As soon as the door swung closed behind him Hux pulled him aside and planted a kiss right on his mouth.  He grabbed Hux’s shoulders to steady himself, pulling back just far enough to press their foreheads together.

 

“What if someone sees?”

 

“There’s no one out here,” Hux said with confidence.

 

“Someone could come out.”  Ben hated himself for saying it but the thought of getting caught kissing made him stomach twist up.  Like he couldn’t handle it.  “You don’t want anyone to see either,” he added, knowing he was right by the look Hux gave him.

 

“It’s private,” Hux said, taking Ben’s ears in hand and tilting his head a little to give him a proper kiss, soft and searching.  They needed to sit down--  _ he  _ needed to sit down. His legs would give out if they stood here kissing, he was sure of it. 

 

“Armie,” he whispered.

 

“Hm?”

 

“I really like you.”

 

“No shit.”

 

Ben couldn’t contain his laughter as he pulled Hux over to the low brick wall beside the bike rack..  It intersected another wall of the same height, creating a little alcove facing the school-- a corner just wide enough for the two of them to squeeze into.  Hux barely weighed anything and it was easy to pull him down into his lap.

 

“Hey,” Hux said, slinging his arms around Ben’s neck and grinning at him.

 

“This is better, right?  More private.”

 

“Is this your kissing spot, Solo?  Do you bring everyone here?”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Make me.”

 

Ben was ten minutes late to class and thankful he’d worn his loosest pair of jeans.  The rest of the day couldn’t pass quickly enough.    

 

\--

 

Ben never in his life thought he’d dread a weekend, until the end of the day Friday after a week of dating Hux. He was still grounded through Sunday night and knew, with a sinking feeling, that he wouldn’t see or talk to him again until Monday.

 

Maybe Hux was thinking the same thing, because as they left the building together he slowed his usually brisk pace, letting other students stream past them, and stood close enough that their shoulders bumped. His backpack was fuller than usual, containing Ben’s hoodie, which he’d returned to him on Wednesday only to reclaim Friday morning.

 

Just before they parted ways, Ben timidly brushed his hand across the back of Hux’s. Hux looked up at him, a light blush on his cheeks and a smile on his lips. It was all they could do with so many people still around, but the meaning was clear.

 

“I’ll see you Monday,” Hux said.

 

Ben swallowed hard and nodded. He felt like he should say more, but what would he say? Was  _ I’ll miss you _ too sappy? Hux only smirked and touched his hand briefly once more before stepping away.

 

Ben’s heart beat furiously as he turned to start walking home. He only made it a few steps before he spotted a familiar car waiting in the pickup lane, and he stopped.

 

What was his mother doing here?

 

Her eyes met his and there was no escaping. Not that it would have done any good to try. His shoulders slumped and he dragged himself over, tossed his backpack into the back and then plopped heavily into the passenger seat. His heart continued to pound in his ears, now with apprehension. He didn’t know if he could handle any more bad news.

 

“Hey,” he mumbled.

 

“Hey,” his mother replied with a smile. Ben relaxed a little; at least he wasn’t in trouble. “Sorry I didn’t tell you I was going to pick you up today. I  _ tried _ , but you were out the door so fast… I’ve never seen you this eager to get to school before. Maybe I should ground you more often.”

 

Ben’s head shot up. “You wouldn’t.”

 

To his surprise, his mother laughed. “I’m  _ kidding _ . Unless you plan on cutting class again.”

 

Now that he was looking at her, Ben could see that something was off. Though she smiled at him, there was something sad about it. She was usually so put together, no-nonsense, responsible. Today she seemed… fragile.

 

“I got out of work early today,” she explained as she put the car in drive and pulled away from the school. “It’s so nice out, I thought we could go get ice cream. Do you still like mint chocolate chip?”

“Uh. Yeah.” Ben remembered the uneaten slice of pie. He didn’t know what he liked anymore. No good thing seemed able to withstand the barrage of change.

 

Except Hux.

 

His mother asked generic questions about school. Ben couldn’t think of much that didn’t involve Hux, and kept his answers brief and vague. Discouraged, she gave up and the drive passed in silence.

 

Carousel Ice Cream had been in town since long before Ben was born. The round building was a renovated merry-go-round that had once resided in the park. It had windows on all sides from which brightly-dressed employees served the 30 flavors of hard pack ice cream the shop boasted. Guests could eat on round tables scattered about, or on benches with a view of the mini-golf course next door.

 

Ben and his mother opted for the latter and settled down on a bench, Ben with mint chocolate chip in a waffle cone and his mother with a small bowl of strawberry flavored.

 

“Do you remember when we had your birthday party here?” She tried.

 

“Uh-huh.” He licked absently at his ice cream, wishing she’d just cut the small talk and tell him why they were here.

 

Sensing his wariness, his mother sighed and set her bowl down.

 

“Ben,” she started. He lowered his cone, bracing himself. “I know your father and I dropped a lot on you at once. And I know, especially these past few weeks, I’ve been hard on you. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay?”

 

Oh.

 

Ben looked down at his shoes. Here he’d expected her to tell him that he’d been enrolled in military school or she was adopting a child to replace him or some other new horror. But she was just… worried about him.

 

“I’m fine,” he lied. As though his mother hadn’t always been able to see right through him. But she didn’t call him out on it.

 

“I know this must be difficult for you. I just want you to know that you can talk to me. About  _ anything _ . You know that, right?”

 

Ben started to shrug, but then quickly nodded. There was something in her expression that frightened him more than a stern glare ever could.

 

“So much has happened since I was your age, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be a teenager. To have all those emotions and not know what to do with them. It was different for me, I think.  I’ve told you a bit about my childhood right?”

 

She had, but only a little. He knew her parents died young. He knew she resented her father; he’d once overheard her talking about it on the phone with his uncle. That was about it though, so he shook his head. She turned on the bench to face him better and spoke calmly.

 

“I didn’t know my mother, she died when I was just a baby. My father was…” she paused, her jaw working as she contemplated her next words. “…distant. I ended up living with some of my mother’s friends and your uncle Luke went to live on your great-uncle Owen’s farm out in Harvard. It was better for us, I think, to have the stability, but it meant I didn’t really get to know my own brother until we were a little older than you are now.”

 

Ben listened so intently that he jumped when something cold touched his hand; he looked down to see what remained of his ice cream rapidly melting. With a grimace he tossed it into the trashcan next to the bench and leaned over to wipe his hand in the grass. When he sat back up his mother was shaking her head with fond exasperation and handing him a napkin.

 

“Go on,” he prompted.

 

“The couple I lived with, they were like parents to me. Then, just as I was starting college, they died in an accident. I had friends and professors who helped me a lot, but I was seventeen and already on my own. It was a very hard time, I had to grow up fast and I missed out on a lot of things other kids my age were doing. Not that I didn’t have fun,” she added with a wistful smile. “I should tell you how your father and I met. Another time.” Ben didn’t have the heart to tell her his father already had, nor did he want to think back to that conversation.

 

“I’m telling you this,” she continued, the smile slipping from her face, “because I know I’ve always been strict with you, and I hope one day you can understand. Every parent I ever had left me, and suddenly I had a child of my own with no one to guide me through it, a demanding career which I couldn’t leave because your father’s employment was so spotty, and I was so  _ overwhelmed _ at times, I just wanted to feel in control.” She spoke quickly, and to Ben’s alarm her eyes were rapidly filling with tears. “And I didn’t want you to feel neglected, so I guess overdid it, a bit, at times. And I thought things were okay for a while and now…now…” The tears spilled over. She covered her eyes with one hand.

 

“Mom?” Ben’s voice shook. He felt at a loss for what to do, and so guilty that for a moment he thought he might be sick. He’d spent so much time lately angry at her, ready to blame her for everything.

 

Before he could talk himself out of it, he locked his arms tightly around her waist. He squeezed his burning eyes shut and pressed his face into her shoulder. “Don’t cry,” he said, muffled into the fabric of her jacket.

 

She was startled only for a second before returning the embrace. Half of him wanted to run and half of him wanted to crawl into her lap and be held like he was a child again. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d hugged her, or even sat side by side with her like this.

 

They stayed like that, one of her hands gently rubbing his back until he couldn’t tell who was comforting who. When he pulled back, he gave her shoulder an awkward pat and wiped his eyes and nose on his sleeve. She cupped his face briefly and he squirmed under her gaze, embarrassed. She pulled away, but she was smiling.

 

“Enough of that. No more tears. It’s going to be okay, my dear one, you’ll see.”

 

She said it with the kind of self-assuredness he’d always taken for granted from her. Not with false optimism, but with confident hope. It would be okay, because she would make it okay. Because she was strong, and Ben was hers, and that would make him strong too.

 

She said it, and somewhere deep down, Ben believed her.

 

\--

 

On Saturday morning Ben served his second detention.  He spent most of it writing in his notebook.  An outline was due in his Lit Comp class on Tuesday so he scribbled down a few notes but couldn’t stay focused on schoolwork.  His mind drifted back to thoughts of his mother in New York.  Except this time he wasn’t miserable in a cramped apartment with her but back home with his father.  And she was alone in that tiny apartment, the one he’d been persuaded to look at photos of in a brochure.  He imagined her coming home after a long day at work and checking on the frogs in her terrarium.  Imagined her sitting at the kitchen table to eat an instant noodle bowl with a side of microwaved vegetables.  She might set up her Powerbook and check her emails while she ate.  He saw her fridge-- the bare steel finish uncluttered with school flyers and reminders and pictures of the family-- full of jello cups, instant meals for one, pre-portioned salads, and red grapes.

 

When the image hurt too much to hold he sought comfort in memories of meeting Hux in their secret spot during their Thursday lunch break.  How they’d spent a blissful twenty minutes in private, their fingers twining while Ben chattered nervously about nothing at all and Hux occasionally grunted his assent.  When Hux stole a teddy graham out of the open bag in his backpack and made a face at Ben with the upper half of the bear sticking out of his mouth, he ended up on the receiving end of clumsy, crumb-filled kiss.  Ben crunched down on the cookie and pulled back with a grin, desperate for another taste of graham crackers and cinnamon on his boyfriend’s lips.   

 

He closed his eyes, picturing each detail in a warm haze of pleasure.  Little things, like the breathy laugh that escaped him when Hux placed a hot hand on the small of his back beneath his shirt, suddenly grew enormous in his memory.  How had he made it through a single day without tracing lines between the freckles on the back of Hux’s neck?  They hadn’t had a chance to sneak away at lunch on Friday so they sat side by side in the cafeteria, Ben buzzing with the thrill of sharing sips of Hux’s can of Mountain Dew like clandestine kisses.  

 

“What are you guys laughing about?” Thanisson asked, picking at his bagel.

 

“How much you suck at volleyball,” Phasma goaded him, provoking a laugh from Mitaka.

 

“Nobody asked you, Priscilla.”

 

“Fuck off, Trevor,” she retorted cheerfully, lobbing a potato chip at him.

 

“They set up the net?” Hux asked suddenly, nudging Ben under the table.  Hux couldn’t be bothered with sports except when it came to volleyball.  When he and Phasma played on opposing teams in gym everyone scrambled to get out of their way.  On the same team they dominated the court and only Finn and Reyes would volunteer to play against them.  Reyes and Phasma had a rivalry going on that extended back to middle school.  They were friendly with one another until put on different sides of the net.  Ben remembered a gym class where a game had gotten so out of hand that they were both ejected from the court with a zero for the day.  “Play hard, but not Reyes and Hasma hard,” had been the unofficial slogan that year.  

 

The bell rang, signaling the end of detention and startling him from the memory.  Kids began packing up their stuff around him.  He scrambled to shove the notebook back into his backpack and pull on his jacket.  Outside the sunshine warmed his face and hands but it would be a cold walk home without a hat and gloves.  He’d barely begun the long trudge home someone grabbed him from behind and tackled him to the grass.

 

“Fucking hell, Phasma!” he shouted.  Shock and anger dissipated as Hux’s familiar laughter joined Phasma’s.

 

“Very funny,” he said as she pulled him to his feet.  He shot Hux a look as he brushed off his jeans.  “I can’t believe you let her do that.”

 

“Let her, my ass.  She got me like ten minutes ago.”  He gestured to the grass stains on the front of his pants.  “You are such an asshole, Phasma.”

 

She flipped him the bird and adjusted her beanie.  “You two are pathetic.”

 

“What are you guys doing here?”  Ben wanted to give his boyfriend a hug but wasn’t sure if he should with Phasma right there.

 

“Phasma got her license and we came to pick you up.”

 

“My mom said I could take the car out on my own as long as I stayed in the area.”  She flashed a pair of keys.  “But one of you has to ride shotgun, I’m not chauffeuring so you can suck face in the backseat.”

 

“Hux told you?”

 

“That you made out with him? Yeah, obviously.”  Her grin widened and Hux elbowed her in the ribs.  “Ow,  _ fuck! _  Your boyfriend’s a dumbass.” she added, shoving Hux back.

 

“Yeah, but he’s  _ my _ dumbass, you don’t get to call him that,” Hux said, slinging an arm around Ben as they walked to the parking lot.  

 

“I’m like, right here,” Ben muttered, leaning slightly against Hux.  Phasma’s mom’s car turned out to be a dinged-up, boxy white Honda and Hux crawled into the backseat, pulling Ben along with him.  Phasma rolled her eyes in the mirror but kept any further comments to herself as they pulled out of the parking lot at a breakneck pace.  

 

“Did you get the tickets?” She asked as they turned onto the main road beside the school.

 

“Yeah, they’re in my locker,” Hux said, taking Ben’s hand across the center seat.  “Is your mom going to freak out if I don’t buy you a corsage?”

 

“Yeah, you have to get one.  Or a rose or some shit.  I don’t care just make it look like you’re trying to get in my pants.”

 

“I’ll try to look super straight,” Hux muttered and she giggled.

 

“You guys are going to underclass formal together?” Ben asked, startled.

 

“Yep, Hux is gonna be my date.  My mom has this rule that I can’t go to any formal dances without a real date.  It sucks.”

 

“Your mom is weird,” Hux said, yawning.

 

“She’s got a stick up her butt because she hasn’t been laid since the eighties.  I just try to stay out of her way.”

 

Ben listened to them banter, heart fluttering as Hux rubbed a thumb over his knuckles.  He tried to picture him in a rented suit-- though knowing Hux’s family he probably already owned a tux.  The image dredged up an odd pang of regret.  Why hadn’t Hux asked him to go to formal?  Was he embarrassed to go to a dance with him?

 

He chewed on his lower lip and let his gaze drift to the scenery out the window, lost in thought until Hux squeezed his hand.

 

“You okay?”

 

Ben shrugged.  “My parents are acting weird.  They keep taking me out for these private talks.  I wish they’d figure it out.  ...and my mom wants me to move to New York with her,” he added quietly.

 

“But you won’t go.”

 

“I don’t know what I’m going to do.  Can we just, like, talk about this later?”

 

Hux stared at him in a way that made Ben want to kiss him but he turned back to the window instead, still stinging from the betrayal of the dance.  They pulled into Ben’s driveway once it was apparent that his mom and dad weren’t home.  Ben climbed out of the car and Hux followed him to the door, holding his hand like he dared Phasma to comment on it.  She was busy reapplying her lip gloss with the aid of the rearview mirror.

 

“Hey,” Hux said as Ben took his keys out of his pocket.  “Can you come over tomorrow?”

 

“I’m still grounded.”

 

“Sneak out tonight, then.”

 

“I can’t get in trouble again.  If I get grounded for another week I’ll lose my mind.”

 

“You’re going to make me wait another two days to kiss you?”

 

That made Ben smile.  “You miss kissing me?”

 

“Yeah,” Hux muttered, sticking his hands in Ben’s back pockets to draw him close, “especially when your big nose gets in the way.”  He nuzzled Ben’s blushing cheek and pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth.

 

“I’ll miss you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not a typo, Phasma's real name in the story is is Priscilla Hasma -- P. Hasma.


	3. Chapter 3

To both Ben’s own surprise and his mother’s, he spent Saturday afternoon helping her clean out the hall closet. It was spring cleaning, he told himself repeatedly, _not_ preparing for her to move out. Maybe he and his mother were on the same wavelength in that regard, because she didn’t bring up New York even once, only talked about how good it felt to finally tackle a long-put-off task. His father’s absence became more and more noticeable as the day went on: the lack of clanks and grumbles from the garage, of the door opening and slamming and boots being kicked off. Every time he noticed he suddenly became much more interested in whatever relic his mother had just unearthed.

 

Mainly, though, Ben was doing it to keep himself from thinking about what Hux and Phasma had said in the car. That Hux, his boyfriend, was going to the dance with someone other than him. When he thought about it the crushing tide of emotion was just too much. A stinging hurt in his chest, sadness heavy on his shoulders, and deep in his gut, anger. But not anger at Hux, not even at Phasma, though he couldn’t help being a little jealous of her. No, his anger was directed at himself for not being the sort of boyfriend who was worth bringing to the school dance.

 

By the time he and his mother ate dinner, he no longer felt like being around anyone, and his answers became shorter and shorter. His mother watched him warily, but to his relief she didn’t comment. She even shooed him away when he approached the dirty dishes, telling him with a sly look that his father could do them for a change.

 

That’s how Ben found himself in his room on a Saturday night, too late to do anything productive but too early to go to sleep, hopelessly restless. Once he ran out of ways to kill time, he gave in and got ready for bed, still earlier than he would have liked. At least he’d be one day closer to seeing Hux again.

 

As he entered the bathroom he caught sight of his own reflection in the mirror. Normally he would keep moving without a second thought. But this time he felt drawn to it, and not in a good way. In the way one might be drawn to a stain on a pair of jeans or a dilapidated building. Something ugly and out of place.

 

His eyes swept over his features, familiar and unfamiliar at once. He’d always been a goofy-looking kid but for a short window of time it was cute, endearing. Then adolescence hit, and none of this was cute anymore. His nose was already prominent, more so even than his father’s. Too big. In contrast to its sharp angle was his mouth, also too big, and too soft, and slightly crooked. He attempted to smile, remembering some silly adage that _everyone is beautiful when they smile_ only to clamp his mouth shut immediately with a cringe. It made his whole face squish and distort, and to top it off his teeth were horribly crooked. He suddenly lamented refusing when his parents had been willing to put aside some money for him to get braces a few years ago. He didn’t want to give his classmates another thing to tease him for.  Hux had hated his braces and still rarely showed teeth when he smiled.  Now with everything that was happening, Ben feared it was too late.

 

Then there were his ears, too big like everything else; sometimes even his long hair couldn’t hide them. He had a fleeting burst of hope – his hair, that was sort of nice, right? But it was shot down immediately when weighed against all the negatives. Things like these stupid spots – freckles, moles, whatever they were – which had been lighter as a child but had since darkened to match his hair. Kids at school had made cracks about them before and he couldn’t even blame them. The spots were joined more often than not by breakouts, the pimples few and far between but still glaringly obvious. He never thought he’d give skin care a second thought, but there he was opening the cabinet and pulling out his mother’s face wash, resolving to try it tomorrow. In fact, he resolved to shower more in general, and maybe try to do more with his hair than just let it flop into his face.

 

As he closed the cabinet he met his own eyes in the mirror and it was like the icing atop a cake gone wrong. They were a boring brown with a slight downward droop that gave him a kicked-puppy sort of resting expression. And all of that on top of a rapidly growing body, too soft in some places while still bony in others, gangly limbs and big hands and feet. He looked like someone had taken parts from ten different people and slapped them together into one as a joke.

 

No wonder Hux didn’t want to take him to the dance. He’d look like a clown in an ill-fitting rented suit next to Hux, sleek and lean and beautiful. Hux and Phasma would look stunning side-by-side. The way Hux deserved.

 

His bottom lip trembled and he tore himself away, aggressively preparing for bed without another glance at the mirror. He hid under his covers even though it wasn’t cold enough to need all of them and curled up tight, as if maybe if he made himself small enough he would just disappear.

 

The creak and thud of the front door in the silence startled him.  His father had finally come home.  He waited for familiar footsteps on the stairs and when no sound was forthcoming assumed his father had gone to sleep on the couch.  Any thoughts of sneaking downstairs to call Hux’s place dissipated.  He’d only been half toying with the idea anyway but Hux’s parents were away more often than not on the weekends and he often had the house to himself.  Ben envied him staying up late and ordering pizza, maybe having another sleepover with Phasma and Mitaka and Thanisson.  

 

Phasma slept over there plenty when she could get away with it.  Her mother worked nights at the hospital and as long as she was back at home before six am she wouldn’t get caught.  Hux once told him that if her mother found out she was staying overnight at a boy’s house, much less with a whole group of boys, she’d go ballistic.  Hux had to be her best friend in secret.  Ben thought that was pretty weird but Hux pointed out how young Ms. Hasma looked and that she must have gotten knocked up when she was a teenager which made her extra strict about who her daughter spent time with.  

 

Ben didn’t think Phasma cared about boys-- at least not like that.  He didn’t think she cared about anything but being loud and winning every competition.  He rolled over with a huff.  Why did she have to go to the dance at all?  Going with friends was just something people said when they were too lame or shy to ask anyone.  Thanisson would go with her, hell, he’d probably lose his mind if she even looked twice at him.  The thought brought him full circle to the inevitable conclusion: Hux wanted someone cool to hang out with there.  And no one would look twice if he was with a girl.  

 

He buried his face in his pillow and squeezed his eyes shut against the tears.

 

**

 

Sunday morning came brought with it a bout of restless boredom that left him curled up on his bed after breakfast.  By noon he’d listened to every CD worth listening to and picked aimlessly through a few books he’d been given as gifts but hadn’t attempted to read.  Reading wasn’t really his thing, to his mother’s disappointment.  When he was younger his dad would let him buy a comic book once a week and for awhile he’d even enthusiastically taken to bagging and boarding them but now they languished in the closet along with the rest of nerdy crap he’d outgrown.  He wondered what Hux would think of his complete set of The Sensational Spider-Man and resolved never to find out.

 

The doorbell rang, scattering his thoughts.  He heard his mother’s footsteps and then crept out onto the landing to see if he could catch a glimpse of whoever was at the door.  To his shock Mitaka walked in and Finn followed, shaking Leia’s hand with a smile as though they were making introductions.

 

“Ben!” his mother hollered, “some of your friends are here.”

 

Was he supposed to go down and tell them to leave because he was grounded?  He hurried downstairs and turned, bewildered, from the two boys standing aimlessly in front of the door to his mother.

 

“It’s fine, the week is almost over.  You can watch TV with your friends for a little while.”  She threw them a smile and then went back to her office, leaving Ben staring at his unlikely visitors

 

“Hey, Ben,” Mitaka said, holding up a black videotape with a scribbled-on label.  “Finn taped a bunch of Gundam Wing uncut from the midnight run last year.  Do you want to watch it with us?”

 

Finn didn’t look particularly pleased to be a part of this exchange.  Ben barely knew the guy, though he and Mitaka were always talking at school.  Mostly he hung out with Reyes.  He knew that Finn was in a bunch of honors classes with Hux but the two of them didn’t like one another.  

 

“Yeah, okay.”  He led them into the front room, keeping a wary eye on Finn.  Like he expected some kind of subterfuge; a ploy to get in his house and mess with him.  Finn shot him a once over before sitting carefully on the sectional sofa.  “Your mom’s nice,” he said after a moment.  

 

“Um.  Thanks.”

 

“We were walking home from the library,” Mitaka said quickly.  “And I just wanted to see if you were still grounded.  Plus we used to watch Gundam Wing after school together last year.  It just made me think of it,” he explained, addressing the latter to Finn as though he needed a good excuse.                                                                                                                        

 

Ben felt a pang of regret.  Mitaka was the only guy who would hang out with him freshman year.  And he’d used him like a stepping stone to get to Hux.  They were all still friends but an invisible line bisected the group; an unspoken agreement that Phasma and Hux were cool and Mitaka and Thanisson weren’t.  Thanisson desperately wanted to be on the other side of that line but Mitaka was just happy to be included.  Over the summer he had gone from being “Mitaka’s friend, Ben” to “Hux’s friend, Ben”.  Mitaka was kind of a loser.  Hux was everything Ben admired and he’d even been jealous of Phasma’s close relationship with him.  

 

Maybe Mitaka felt the same way now that Ben and Hux were together.  Maybe he missed going to Ben’s place after school to watch anime.

 

“Yeah, it’s been awhile.  Thanks for checking in on me,” he added, shying away from the smile it brought to Mitaka’s face.  Embarrassing.  He put the tape in the VCR and forwarded through a few commercials before the opening theme started.  With Mitaka in the recliner and Finn on the sofa he chose the floor, sitting on an oversized pillow.

 

While Finn and Mitaka watched the opening credits he watched their faces, weirdly jealous of their easy familiarity.  When Mitaka made a dumb joke Finn laughed and countered with one of his own.  They were clearly best friends.  Mitaka was too shy to talk to any of the girls he liked or the more popular kids but he didn’t seem to care.  He just hung out with people who treated him kindly.

 

...And some who didn’t.  A wave of guilt washed over him at the realization and he pushed back against it.  Phasma was always picking on Mitaka but she picked on everyone.  Thanisson just followed her leave.  Ben didn’t make fun of him, exactly, but the smaller boy embarrassed him more often than not.  Maybe Mitaka knew but kept quiet or maybe he confided in Finn.

 

Ben didn’t have anyone to confide in.  Hux was his boyfriend but he wasn’t sure how to bring up his deep seated fears about his parents’ looming divorce without looking pathetic.  Hux hated his own family and was the first to criticize Ben’s.  He didn’t need anyone, not even his parents.  Ben wished he were strong like that.

 

Thinking of Hux ruined his mood.  He kept silent, weathering the occasional worried glance from Mitaka.  Three episodes in he mimed a yawn and told Mitaka he wasn’t feeling well and should get to bed early.

 

The two boys departed, Mitaka with a wave and Finn with a nod.  

 

In their absence his loneliness returned full force.  But he didn’t want Mitaka and Finn and their injokes and their laughter reminding him of the person he really wanted to spend time with.

 

He made an excuse to go to bed early that night.

 

**

 

Though the week before Ben was ready and out the door for school in record time, that week his feet dragged a little. He still felt that flutter of excitement in his stomach at the thought of seeing Hux, but it had been dampened by the discovery that Hux and Phasma were attending the dance together, and then by his late-night self-deprecation over the weekend. Watching anime with Finn and Mitaka had taken his mind off of his worries for a little while, but now they returned with a vengeance.

 

He took extra care getting ready: combing his hair, washing his face, brushing his teeth and even briefly considering the floss in the bathroom cabinet. As an extra measure he used a little of his mother’s body lotion on his hands and arms, noticing belatedly that it had a light scent to it. He hoped that Hux wouldn’t notice.

 

After a liberal application of Nautica body spray he threw on his least-torn pair of jeans and his newest t-shirt and a hoodie, and turned to look at himself in the mirror.

 

Ben didn’t know exactly what he’d been expecting, some magical transformation maybe, but the boy who gazed back at him looked…pretty much the same. Only with neater hair and a cleaner face.

 

He sighed. It would just have to do.

 

As he shuffled downstairs to grab a Pop-Tart and put his shoes on, it began to rain outside. He groaned; all that work and he’d end up half-soaked just walking to school.

 

A jingle from the doorway got his attention.

 

“Need a lift?”

 

His father was standing there, jacket on, hood already up, keys in hand. There was a sheepishness about him that had been there since their conversation in the diner. Ben could still barely sort through his own feelings about it, let alone decipher his father’s.

 

He shrugged, looked outside, then nodded.

 

“Yeah. Please.”

 

The ride was short and, to his relief, quiet. His father seemed to sense he needed some space and Ben had other things on his mind. Namely: Hux. That was where his thoughts automatically wandered _anyway_.

 

His father switched on the music; some poppy, repetitive seventies song that he couldn’t place the name of, something his father probably played in his DJ days that Ben would never be caught dead listening to. Yet here he was focusing to hear the lyrics over the patter of rain:

 

_Just hold me tight and leave on the light_

_'Cause I don't want to go home_

_You put a spell on me_

_I'm right where you want me to be_

 

_You make me feel like dancing..._

 

There was no denying, sappy as it was, that he thought of Hux instantly, igniting a pleasant-anxious buzzing in his chest at the thought that he’d be seeing him any minute now. At the same time the word _dancing_ , over and over again, was like a cruel reminder that it was Phasma, not him, who Hux was taking to the school dance.

 

He sighed and leaned his head against the window, closing his eyes even though they’d be there any minute, and letting himself imagine, just for a moment, holding Hux in his arms and swaying with him on the dance floor.

 

As his father’s truck rumbled away behind him a few minutes later, Ben stared at the entrance to the school with a mix of dread and excitement. With a heavy sigh, he headed inside.

 

The hallways were crowded, but finding Hux was easy. It was as though the other students blurred into nothing when Ben’s eyes focused on the familiar red hair and confident posture. He was standing with Phasma, Mitaka and Thanisson by Phasma’s locker.

 

Ben headed towards them, trying not to bump into too many people or trip and embarrass himself. Then Hux spotted him through the crowd, and his face did something funny.  Eyes widened and his mouth shifted into a frown accompanied by a pinched brow, before returning to carefully neutral. Ben slowed, anxiety coursing through him.

 

“Hey, Ben!” Mitaka said, irritatingly chipper for a Monday morning. “Feeling any better?”

 

“Huh? Oh, yeah.” Ben was too focused on Hux to offer a better response. Hux, who wasn’t moving to stand beside him, or reaching to take his hand, or even offer more than a half-nod in greeting. Ben had thought, _hoped_ , that after the weekend apart Hux would be happy to see him, and that it would assuage his growing fears. Now, those fears grew and grew, threatening to choke him.

 

“Ben.” Hux’s voice cut through the thickening fog. “Will you walk me to my locker?”

 

He didn’t say _we need to talk in private_ , but he may as well have. _This is it_ , Ben thought, _one week and he’s going to dump me. One week and I’ve already fucked it up_.

 

Unable to deny Hux anything, he nodded and followed him.  When they reached the locker at the other end of the hall Hux leaned against it and crossed his arms over his chest.

 

“So… you hung out with Mitaka and Finn on Sunday?  You didn’t even want to see me?”

 

Whatever he’d been expecting, it wasn’t that. How had Hux even found out about that?

 

“I-I...what-” He cleared his throat. “Of course I wanted to see you. I was still grounded, but they just sort of dropped by, and mom let them stay. I didn’t invite them, I swear!”

 

Hux glowered at him and then blinked rapidly.  “You could have called.  I wanted to see you.  I would have been there in five minutes if you’d called me.”

 

Ben hung his head, cheeks warm with embarrassment. He hadn’t even considered that.

 

“Yeah, I guess I could have, but-”

 

But what? He didn’t want to push his luck with his mother, for one thing, but if he told Hux that, Hux might think he wasn’t _worth_ challenging her for. Besides, he knew Hux and Finn weren’t friends, and if Hux had been there Ben would have given him all his attention and ignored Mitaka, which he’d been feeling guilty about as it was…

 

Hux pushed his hair out of his eyes and to Ben’s shock his boyfriend seemed to tremble.

 

“Yeah, okay.  Whatever.  I was thinking about you all day and I couldn’t even call you.  Guess I should have showed up at your house, like I was supposed to even know that was an option.  But your mom just loves Mitaka so he gets to come over whenever he wants.”

 

Hux opened the locker forcefully, grabbed his books for the next few periods, and slammed it shut again before walking quickly away from Ben.

 

Anger began to well up inside Ben as he watched Hux turn his back on him. He wouldn’t even let Ben try to explain? And it wasn’t like Hux had any room to talk when...when…

 

“Y-you’re pissed I didn’t ask you to come over, but you didn’t even ask me to the dance!”

 

It burst out of him before he could stop it, his voice shaky and too loud.

 

Hux stopped and turned… along with everyone else at their lockers.  The warning bell rang, signaling a minute left to get to class and Ben fled the scene, burning with humiliation.  By the time he got to his desk he was too flustered to do anything but pull up his hood and bury his face in his arms.

  
They’d barely been together a week and already they were falling apart.


	4. Chapter 4

On the walk home Ben veered between simmering anger and a hollow sadness that threatened to consume him.  Hux didn’t own him and couldn’t tell him who to spend time with.  And anyway, it wasn’t his fault Mitaka came over.  He’d rather have seen Hux but Hux would never just drop by like that.  Why should he?

 

And why would Hux be jealous!?  It was only him.  Nobody special enough to be jealous over.  Nobody missed Ben Solo when he wasn’t around.

 

_ But he’s my boyfriend… _

 

Another wave of misery washed over him.  Hux had been jealous because he cared.  And he’d ruined it.  But Hux should have asked him to the dance in the first place!   And what was he supposed to do, call Hux every time he had a free minute?

 

_ But I could have called him to come over. _

 

No.  He knew his mother would have raised a brow at that and then told him in her no-nonsense voice not to push his luck.

 

It was hopeless.  He’d fucked everything up.  Typical Ben Solo.

 

Ben went up to his room and threw his backpack on the bed with enough force to rattle the shelf above.  It wasn’t fair.  He’d made an ass of himself in front of the whole entire school for nothing.  He imagined that if Hux appeared to him right then it would be a toss up between whether Ben would hug him or hit him.

 

As it turned out he did neither.

 

The doorbell rang and Leia called up to him, “Ben, there’s someone here to see you.” 

 

He knew before he even got halfway down the stairs that it would be Hux that his mother invited in, though he did not expect to see a strangely subdued Hux who wouldn’t quite meet his eyes.

 

“Hey,” he said because there was nothing else to say.

 

“Hey.”

 

Leia had gone back into her study and for that he was grateful.

 

“Can we talk?”

 

Ben nodded, about to lead Hux to his room, but the thought of Hux seeing his posters, the carved wooden headboard that had once belonged to his mother, faded blue bedsheets, and his music collection; Aerosmith’s  _ Nine Lives  _ nestled between Marilyn Manson and The White Stripes...

 

Instead he went out to the backyard, motioning for Hux to follow.  It wasn’t much to look but he stared at Hux as he took a seat in one of the wooden folding chairs out on the concrete patio as though daring him to comment on it.  

 

Hux, however, kept his gaze on his own knees, still avoiding Ben’s eyes. He didn’t seem to know what to do with his hands, first fiddling with the hem of his shirt, then examining his nails, and finally settling them clasped together on his lap. Ben had never seen him like this; it couldn’t mean anything good.

 

They sat in silence for several moments. Ben didn't know what to think or feel anymore, let alone what to say, and Hux had been the one who asked to talk, so he waited for what felt like forever until Hux finally spoke up in a small voice.

 

“I’m sorry I was an asshole.  I was angry that I didn’t get to see you.”   He reached up to rub the back of his neck as he scrunched up his face, like it was embarrassing or something.  But it kind of was embarrassing, Ben supposed.  Having to come over and say sorry.  Warmth flooded through him, chasing away all his insecurities.  Hux still couldn’t look directly at him so Ben moved his chair a little closer, trying to be cool and failing.  He just wanted Hux to touch him now; to affirm him in some small way.

 

“Well... I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

 

He brushed a hand awkwardly against Hux’s.

 

“Yeah, about that…  did you actually want to go to that dumb dance?”  Hux must have seen something in Ben’s expression because he rushed out the next part.  “I didn’t really want to go, I was just doing Phasma a favor.   But if you wanted to go why didn’t you ask me?  I would go with you if you wanted to.”

 

“Oh,” Ben said, feeling really stupid now.  He should have known Hux didn’t like that kind of thing and was only going as a favor to his best friend.  It seemed obvious in retrospect.  “I dunno.  I guess if you were going to go I wanted it to be with me.  Unless you thought that was… weird.”

 

Hux frowned.  “Why would it be weird?  Kitty and Bess are going together so it’s not like we’ll be the only ones…” 

 

Ben caught the implication and smiled.  “Maybe we could go next year, then?”

 

“To hell with that, we’re going this year.  I talked to Phasma, she’s going to ask Mitaka to take her instead because Thanisson’s a perv.  So you better clean up nicely, Solo, because it’s happening.”

 

Ben's hand still lingered beside Hux's and he laced their fingers together, needing it to ground him. He hadn't actually dared to hope Hux would actually want to go with him, and now that he did, Ben felt about to burst with joy and nervous energy.

 

“So… you’re sure you don't want to go with someone more… more…”

 

More popular? More attractive? The words wouldn't come out. Hux's brow pinched; his eyes flickered over Ben's face.

 

“Why would I want to go with anyone other than my boyfriend?” The little smile on Hux's face made him seem more like his usual self and less like the nervous thing that had shown up on Ben's doorstep, but there was still a vulnerability about him that made Ben suddenly long to reach out and hold him.

 

He glanced back at the window and, seeing no sign of his mother, scooted his chair until it bumped Hux’s and untangled their fingers so he could wrap him in an awkward hug. The arm of the chair was pressing into his ribs and he was one movement away from having a mouthful of Hux’s hair, but the moment Hux leaned into him and nuzzled against his shoulder, he didn’t care about anything else.

 

“Boyfriend,” Hux said again, soft and muffled against his neck, drawing a small hum of contentment out of Ben.  

“Armie…”

 

“I like it when you call me that,” Hux whispered.

 

Ben forgot to worry about the windows in the kitchen and any next door neighbors who might be looking out their own.  He pulled Hux into a kiss that lengthened and sweetened until hands tangled in hair and cupped ears.  When Hux pulled back to take a breath it was Ben’s delight to see a rare unguarded smile spread across his face.

 

Ben couldn’t suppress his own matching grin. He was sure he must look ridiculous: flushed cheeks, hair falling into his face, crooked grin with crooked teeth, but Hux was staring at him like he’d just won a contest and Ben was the prize.

 

“I like how you smile,” Hux said, touching Ben’s cheek again.  “I like your dimples,” he added in a low voice, fixing his gaze on Ben’s mouth. Ben blushed even more deeply, if that was possible at this point.

 

He expected Hux to leave it at that, but to his surprise he kept talking, his voice still soft.

 

“And I like your nose.” He proved it with a little kiss to the bridge of it.  “And your ears.” He was still holding them loosely and as he said this he gave them a little squeeze and then tugged Ben in again for another quick kiss, like he just couldn't help it.

 

Ben ducked his head, feeling warm all over. Did Hux know? How he hated what he saw in the mirror every day? It seemed like it, from the way he praised and kissed each source of Ben's insecurity. And his voice sounded so sincere. Ben wasn't sure he'd ever like some things about himself, but if Hux did then maybe that was enough.

 

Hux kissed his earlobe and let his lips trail down to the underside of his jaw, making Ben whimper a little.  He felt that powerful push to drag Hux somewhere quiet and secret again but he wasn’t quite ready to bring him up to his room and the thought of sitting on a bed next to Hux made him feel almost dizzy.

 

“Do you wanna watch a movie or something?

 

“Sure,” Hux mumbled against his cheek.  “If your mom doesn’t care.  Does she… know about you?”

 

“No way.”

 

“Okay, we’ll be careful.”

 

Something in the way Hux said that as fixed his eyes on Ben and nodded, slow and intense, made his heart swell a little, like Hux was looking out for him, keeping him safe from some unknown danger.  In truth he didn’t know how his mother would react if she found out he was seeing someone, period.  Much less a boy.  His dad would be an ass about and tease him no matter who he was dating.  But would he be angry?  His mom might be weird or she might be cool.  Who could tell?  But it felt like a secret just for him and Hux.  He didn’t want his mom being nosy like usual.  He just wanted Hux to himself.

 

His mother was upstairs when they came inside. Ben took Hux’s hand just because he could and led him to the couch. He was suddenly grateful for his mother’s recent cleaning spree; the living room looked much better than usual.

 

“Do you, uh… want a snack? Or something to drink?” Ben never really thought of these things when people came over, but he wanted Hux to be comfortable here.

 

Hux seemed to consider the question for a moment, then shook his head and tugged at Ben’s hand to pull him down to sit beside him.

 

“Do you want to play a game?” he added suddenly.

 

Hux shot him a little smirk that made him blush.  “I meant on the N64.”

 

“I can’t believe you don’t have a PS2 yet.  Yeah, okay, what do you have?”

 

“Uh, I dunno…  I’ve been getting back into Goldeneye.”

 

He decided not to add that before he’d stopped talking to his dad they had played on the weekends sometimes.  It was the only first-person shooter he’d ever seen his father take to.  

 

He handed Hux the other controller only to have it waved off.  

 

“I’d rather watch you play.”

 

“Are you sure?” It pleased Ben in some strange way that Hux wanted to see him play a game he was good at.

 

“Yeah, set it up,” Hux said, sliding off the couch and onto the floor.  This puzzled Ben until he went back to take his seat as the game started up and Hux immediately unlaced his shoes and began tugging the laces around his fingers like he always did when they played games at Hux’s place.  Plus, his mom wouldn’t be able to see Hux messing with his shoes from the hall, which he absolutely didn’t want.  Now that he  _ knew _ Hux liked him that particular quirk seemed like an obvious sign.  Which made it all the more special.

 

Ben grabbed the controller, getting comfy in his spot. He kept looking at Hux, at first resisting the urge to touch him until he realized he didn’t have to. He shot a quick glance behind him to make absolutely certain his mother wasn’t there before reaching out to give Hux’s hair a few timid strokes. When Hux hummed and leaned into his hand it felt like a greater victory than beating any level of any video game.

 

As he flew through the first mission he calmed down a little, in his element and feeling secure about being here with his boyfriend.  It even felt a little covert.  Like they were in their own Bond movie together.  Ben was the crack shot spy and Hux was the… well, not the  _ girl _ , but some secret informant that Ben had to protect.  And Ben’s parents couldn’t see them together or it would be game over.  The thought gave him a little thrill.  A moment later a delicious tingling sensation spread through his body, followed by a warm flush.  Hux had moved from his shoelaces to idly running his finger around Ben’s ankle over his sock.  He felt the heat of his touch beneath the fabric, the sudden grip of Hux’s thumb as he loosely circled the spot with his hand and then let go only to trace the bump of the bone as Ben lifted his heel out of his shoe in response.

 

Ben bit back a grin and promptly took a hit from enemy fire, his hands trembling.

 

“Stop,” he hissed, not really wanting to Hux to stop.  But Hux did stop because the sound of his mother’s steps on the stairs had them both straightening up like nothing was the matter at all.

 

She came into the living room, her eyes flicking between Hux and Ben. Ben wondered if she knew this was the friend who had mouthed off to her over the phone not two weeks ago.

 

Either she didn’t or she was incredible at hiding it, because she smiled at them and said, “I’ll be out front. Let me know if you two need anything.”

 

“Thank you, Mrs. Solo.”

 

Ben flinched at his use of the wrong name-- a slap in the face and a reminder of the painful uncertainty of not knowing how much longer his mother would still be around… and that he had yet to offer Hux any details about his crumbling family life.

 

“It’s Skywalker,” she corrected him politely.  

 

His ever-intuitive mother met his eyes, understanding in her gaze, before leaving them alone together once more.

 

After she left Hux threw an uncertain look up at Ben and mouthed  _ fuck, _ which almost made him laugh.  He, too, seemed to notice something in Ben’s expression - his father always said he had a terrible poker face - and for a moment looked about to say something. Ben’s heart pounded; he was enjoying this time with Hux, he didn’t want to ruin it with family drama.

 

To his relief, Hux just gave what he probably intended to be a reassuring smile and adjusted himself so that he could lean his head against the side of Ben’s leg.

 

Fuck it.  The game paused and forgotten, Ben slid down beside Hux and caught him in a clumsy-breathless kiss in an earnest push to make use of the short time they’d been allotted together.

 

Hux made a surprised little sound and quickly clutched at the front of Ben’s shirt. He sighed out through his nose and clung tighter, keeping Ben there. Encouraged, Ben pressed in more firmly, tipping Hux back, and back…

 

And then  _ too far back  _ as with a gasp that broke the kiss, Ben lost his balance and flumped over on top of Hux. They lay in a surprised pile, chest-to-chest, limbs tangled, slightly out of breath. 

 

Hux let out a laugh that vibrated through Ben where they were pressed together and put a hand on his face to shove it back in a playful gesture.

 

“Solo, you pervert…”  He shifted as if to get up but Ben had him pinned in place.  “You’re stronger than you look,” he said appraisingly, as though he’d discovered something that pleased him about Ben.  Hux let his head fall back and gazed up at him with lidded eyes.  “It’s like that, huh?”

 

Ben’s face heated all the way to the tips of his ears. He smiled, sure it looked goofy but unable to help it. It would have been the perfect moment for some winning line, or possibly one of his dad’s horribly tacky ones, but the feeling of Hux so close left him unable to speak. Instead, he ducked his head into the crook of Hux’s neck, still smiling and feeling better than he ever thought he could.

 

With much reluctance he climbed off Hux and helped him to his feet.  

 

“When my mom gets back inside she’ll probably start making dinner and she’ll invite you to stay.  If you want avoid that awkwardness I’d recommend we get out of here.”

 

“We?”   Hux cocked his head.  “Is my boyfriend going to walk me home?”

 

“If that’s ok…”

 

“Yeah.”   Hux glanced at the front door before brushing Ben’s bangs back from his forehead.  “I’d like that.”

 

The trip to Hux’s place was too short, Ben thought for the first time, and every time they bumped shoulders a pleasurable tingle bloomed in stomach; little fireworks going off as they jostled and touched one another.  Ben couldn’t even remember what they’d talked about as he made his way home by himself, feeling like he might float away if he didn’t focus on his shoes connecting with the sidewalk.

 

But that invincible feeling drained away at the sight of Leia setting out plates for two at the kitchen table.

 

“Dad’s not eating with us again?”

 

Leia exhaled loudly and shook her head.  “Your father picked up a part time job.  He’ll be coming home late in the evening.  Didn’t he tell you?”

 

He didn’t want to tell his mother that he hadn’t said a word to his father since the  _ revelation _ because then she’d know he knew.  And she didn’t want him to know.  It might even get his father in trouble and just now he didn’t think he could bear another argument after he was supposed to be asleep.

 

“Maybe, I probably wasn’t paying attention.  Can I eat in front of the TV?”

 

“Hmm.  Alright.  Just take a tray and don’t spill, okay?”

 

He glanced up at her in surprise.  The usual response to that question was “Not on your life.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

He loaded up his plate and set it on a tray, poured a glass of milk and carried them out to the living room. He spent another minute clicking through the channels until he gave up and put on Jeopardy. It was distracting enough to occupy him while he shoveled forkfuls of mac and cheese into his mouth.

 

“It was the first American colony to declare its independence from Great Britain in 1776”, Trebek said.

 

“What is New Hampshire,“ Leia answered from behind him.

 

Ben looked up, surprised yet again at seeing his mother standing beside the couch, holding a tray in one hand and stabbing green beans onto her fork with the other.  He’d missed that question on a test months ago.

 

“How did you even know that?”

 

“Moms know everything, remember?” She replied with a wink.  “What are they teaching you at school, hm?”

 

She eyed the spot on the couch next to Ben and then looked at him. It wasn’t a request for permission, exactly, so much as it was uncertainty whether he’d stay if she sat with him. It caused a pang of guilt in his chest, especially when he thought of how numbered his evenings of eating dinner with his mother were.

 

Ben held the fork in his mouth for a moment to free his hand to pat the cushion. His mother smiled as she sat down.

 

The show had just started, and so they watched through the first round together, his mother chiming in with the answers she knew. She didn’t know  _ everything _ , exactly, but pretty damn close, or so it seemed. When Ben blurted out a correct answer to a music question she beamed with pride.

 

By the time the first commercial break started, Ben had managed to forget about his worries about his father, at least for the moment.

 

He was finishing the last bites on his plate when the TV volume went down a few notches. He looked up to see his mother set down the remote and turn to him and he froze mid-bite, already sensing a question coming.

 

“Ben, I know it’s been rough around here lately but I hope you feel comfortable talking to me about anything.  And I mean that.  Anything at all.”

 

Ben swallowed and set his tray on the coffee table.

 

“Yeah… yeah, I know.” He squirmed in his seat and pulled his hands into his hoodie sleeves.

 

Leia Skywalker was not afraid to confront her son about anything.  He knew from long experience that she would ask any question, no matter how embarrassing or horrifying, and stare him down while he fumbled for an answer.  But now she looked a bit unsure of herself and that alone was enough to set him on edge.

 

“That… young man who was over here earlier.  You friend.  Is he treating you well?”

 

“Is...is he…? What?” Ben stuttered. Whatever he was expecting, that wasn’t it.

 

Leia glanced down at her plate for a moment and then met Ben’s eyes.

 

“Is he being kind to you?  Is he asking you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with?”

 

“No!” Ben flinched at how defensive he sounded. What was she even getting at, anyway? “No, he. He isn’t. He’s cool. We’re cool. He’s, uh. Like you said. My friend. He’s a good friend.” He wanted to sink into the gap between the couch cushions and never resurface.

 

“Um.”  She looked up as though searching for something to add.  “Well.  My foster parents, they did their best but they didn’t tell me everything.  I think maybe they were uncomfortable.”  She brushed a stray lock of hair back from her face and tucked it back in it’s neat bun.  “And I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.  You’re nearly grown but you’re my son and I need you to be safe.  Kids in my day, we weren’t always safe.  You should never have to worry about that.  Do you understand?”

 

Ben stared and stared and then… it clicked. His heart dropped into his stomach. She  _ knew _ about him and Hux. Or at least suspected.

 

“I. Um.” He looked down at his lap, face going beet red. “We haven’t… I haven’t… you know. If. If that’s what you’re…”

 

Leia put a hand on his shoulder.  “It’s okay,” she said simply.  “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.  But you’re always free to.”  She squeezed his shoulder and then combined their trays to take everything to the kitchen.

 

Shaken, he sat hunched over and rubbing his knees, wondering if he should say something else to her-- anything else at all.  He was freed from the obligation by the sound of a car turning into the driveway.  He heard the plates clatter into the sink before his mother rushed to the front door and he turned to stare out the big bay window.  Was his father home?  Why would she be rushing to see him?

 

For one horrifying moment he imagined a scenario in which his stammered reply about Hux had set something in motion-- his father rushing home, alerted by some mysterious signal from his mother.  The two of them meeting on the lawn and fretting over Ben.   _ Kissing that boy in our neighborhood, our Ben, our Ben kissingaboykissingaboykissingaboy! _

 

To his relief and confusion the car in the driveway was not his father’s and the fleeting fantasy of setting off a Gay Son Alarm vanished.  The man who stepped out of the car was certainly not his father.  But Leia ran to him nonetheless, right across the lawn in her socks and a pair of mom-length jean shorts that she liked to wear around the house.  The man scooped her into a big hug and swung her around and he knew who it was then because it couldn’t be anyone else.

 

His Uncle Luke had arrived.


	5. Chapter 5

Ben shuffled his feet and shifted his weight impatiently where he waited by a bench in a strip mall across the parking lot from the Portillo’s Hux said they'd meet at late Saturday morning. Why he didn't just have Ben meet him in front of his house, which was on his walk to their destination anyway, Ben didn't know. He also didn't care.

 

With their argument behind them and the dance issue resolved, Ben's excitement at being Hux's boyfriend returned with renewed vigor. Hux was his _boyfriend_.  They'd kissed and held hands and they were going to the school dance together... 

 

And that day, they were going on their first real date.

 

That's what it was, right? Getting lunch on a Saturday, just the two of them without their friends? It had to be, and it made his heart soar.  He was already in a great mood, having had a long talk with Hux about what his mother had said.  Hux was quiet through most of it, Ben babbling his worst fears at him until he asked hesitantly if Hux was okay.  Hux told him it was fine and Ben shouldn’t worry about it.  Hux thought his mother was going to be cool about it and that was good for both of them. 

 

"Hey."

 

Ben jumped. Lost in daydreams, he hadn't heard Hux approach. He turned just in time to see a genuine smile light up Hux’s face.

 

 _For me_ , Ben thought with a thrill.

 

He smiled back and stepped up beside him, bumping his shoulder against Hux's, trying to be smooth.  Hux had forgone any hair gel and his fluffy red hair tousled in the breeze so that for a moment Ben had to catch his breath.

 

"Hey."

 

They walked close together from the plaza, talking and laughing.  The plaza held a White Hen tucked in the corner between a nail salon and a hardware store.   Ben’s choice would have been an Icee and a hot dog at the White Hen-- _two-fifty_ , the ad promised-- but Hux refused to consider it because he was a hot dog snob.

 

_“Are you out of your mind?  You can walk across the street and get Vienna beef with all the toppings why would you eat that pig snout hot dog?”_

 

It amused Ben that his father would have said the same thing.  He sped up a little as they walked around the back, ready to grab for the door and hold it open for Hux, when he heard a bark of laughter from the parking lot.

 

Leaning against a parked car was a sneering “Rod” Rodinon, a senior who few students liked but most of them feared, his reputation built on a blurred mix of true stories and rumors. The big fish in a little pond sort who got their kicks from tormenting smaller fish.  And one who had bullied him on the afternoon bus as a freshman almost as an afterthought.  Whenever there was no one else for him to turn his attention to.

 

“Aw, did Mommy let you go outside all by yourself?”

 

The first day of freshman year Ben’s mother had been waiting for him on the front step when he got off the bus.  He still hadn’t forgiven her for it.  Everyone had seen but only Rodinon kept giving him shit about it.  He stopped in his tracks and stepped back to Hux's side, hoping they could slip in without confrontation.

 

Of course he couldn't be so lucky.

 

Rodinon stepped away from the car, heading towards them.

 

"What's your fucking problem, I'm talking to you."

 

"He doesn't want to talk to you," Hux said, voice steady as ever. Ben flinched, wishing Hux would just keep walking, especially when Rodinon turned his attention on him, his grin growing dangerously.

 

"Who asked you, Asshole?   Hey, Solo, is that your _boyfriend?_   Couldn’t find a girl to fuck your ugly dog-face?”

 

The words barely left his mouth when Hux lunged, tackling Rodinon to the ground and throwing a punch which landed square on the jaw.  Rodinon shouted and thrashed, managing to tear Hux off him.  He was quick to recover, and before Ben knew what was happening they’d regained their footing and were fighting while Ben watched in frozen horror.

 

When Rodinon landed a hit on Hux, something inside Ben lurched, angry and protective and wild, yet his feet remained glued to the pavement. It felt like a lucid dream, his instincts on fire while his body refused to obey. Hux was in trouble, he needed to help, it was-- it was his _job_ , right, he should--

 

Shouting joined the commotion, neither Hux nor Rodinon but someone storming out from the restaurant, a man in an apron-- a cook, probably.

 

The man shouted something at the pair, stepping between them, shoving them apart. Ben didn't catch all of what he was saying, but even in his panic he could make out _"or I'll call the police!"_

 

A car door slammied and Ben realized it was Rodinon getting into his beat-up black Chevy and driving away. Then Hux was grabbing Ben's hand, tight, and dragging him away from the restaurant mumbling about getting out of there.

 

It wasn't until they crossed the church parking lot across from the plaza that Hux stopped, and Ben began to regain his bearings. 

 

Hux turned to him, his hand still gripping Ben's fiercely. Their joined hands were shaking, and he didn't know if it was because of his or Hux's or both.

 

"Are you okay?" Hux asked him as if he wasn't the one with blood dripping from his nose down his lip and a bruise blooming high on one cheek. When he caught Ben staring at the trickle of blood, he wiped at it with his free hand, and Ben saw where his knuckles were cracked and bleeding from the blows to Rodinon's face.

 

Ben nodded; he didn't trust his voice yet. He wanted to ask Hux if _he_ was okay, to apologize for just standing there, completely unhelpful, like always.

 

Suddenly Hux leaned into him. His hand released Ben's as his arms went around Ben's waist in a crushing grip. He almost moved his face into Ben's neck and then, maybe remembering the blood smeared across it, tilted his head up to rest his chin on Ben's shoulder instead.

 

He was trembling, Ben realized. Maybe from fear, maybe anger or adrenaline. Maybe all three. It didn't matter. Ben held him close, and Hux relaxed. If this was the only thing he could do, when he'd been so stupid, so fucking _useless_ , then he'd do it for Hux.

 

 _I'd do anything for Hux_ , he thought, but how could that be true, when he just stood by while some bully threw punches at him? That should be Ben's bruised face, Ben's bloody nose...

 

"I'm not hungry anymore. Will you walk me home?"

 

Ben almost didn't register Hux's quiet request. Then he nodded quickly.

 

"Yeah," he managed.

 

"Don’t you listen to a word that fucker says." Hux pulled back a little to look at him. "You know it's not true, right? You're not..."

 

"No," Ben interrupted. Then, "I mean, yeah. Or, um. It, like, doesn't matter really." Ben could hardly remember what Rodinon said. His mind was still full of his fist meeting Hux's face.

 

Hux looked bothered by his answer, but he didn't say anything more. Ben took his hand again and walked him home in silence.

 

As they neared Hux’s driveway he noticed the nice black car parked in front of it-- one he’d never seen before.  Hux slowed and looked to Ben with clear concern.

 

“You should go home.  My father’s here.”

 

Suddenly Hux’s reluctance to have Ben at his place made sense.  He’d never actually met Hux’s father, only his indifferent stepmother once or twice.  If half the stuff Hux hinted at about his dad was true then he wasn’t sure he wanted to meet him.

 

But Hux had protected him and he wasn’t about to leave him like this.

 

“No,” Ben said.  “Let me clean you up, okay?  Just show me where the bandaids and stuff are.”

 

Hux squeezed his hand.  “Okay.  Fine.  We can use the upstairs bathroom.  But my dad’s not cool like your mom.”

 

Ben understood immediately.  Hux dropped his hand and headed for the front door instead of the back and Ben followed a few steps behind.  Before he could take out his keys the door swung in and a strange girl stared out from behind the screen door.  She was nearly as tall and skinny as Hux, with dark hair pulled back from a face covered in brown freckles.  She even looked a bit like Hux except for her too-close-together eyes and upturned nose.

 

“Oh, Armie, you’re all fucked up, wait till Dad sees!” she jeered in an accent that Ben couldn’t place.

 

“Just let us in.”

 

“Dad!” she shrieked, “Armie got beat up!”

 

Hux grabbed the screen door and yanked it open, shouldering her aside.  “Come on,” he muttered at Ben, who hastily followed.  From just inside he could see a man sitting in the dining room with a cigarette in one hand.  In front of him papers fanned out and scattered across the table.

 

“What the bloody hell happened to you?” The man asked, his voice soft and low.   Ben watched as he stabbed out the cherry in an ornate ashtray, his face shadowed in the low light.  A single lamp near the center of the table lit the paperwork clearly.

 

The strange girl rushed upstairs and Ben found himself awkwardly standing beside the younger Hux.  The look of mild distress that crossed his boyfriend’s face disappeared in an instant.

 

“I got in a fight.”

 

“Did you win?”

 

“Yes, _Sir_ ,” Hux hissed.

 

“Good.  Go wash up.  Your mother will be home with dinner at six o’clock.  You’re dismissed.”

 

With a sigh that only Ben could hear Hux went upstairs and he followed him into the nice bathroom he’d never used before.  He watched Hux rummage around in a narrow closet and come up with a first aid kit still in its packaging.

 

“Lock the door,” Hux instructed.  

 

“Yeah, okay.  Who’s that girl?”

 

“That’s Bea, my half-sister.”

 

Ben pulled the plastic off the kit and found a tiny tube of Neosporin and a few larger band-aids.  “Why does she talk like that?  Is she British like your dad?”

 

Hux sat on the toilet seat and rolled his eyes.  “Sort of.  She’s got dual-citizenship.  She was born there but grew up here and her accent is fake.  She puts it on to sound like Maratelle.  Pathetic.  I bet they make fun of her at school.

 

Ben washed his hands and carefully wiped at Hux’s bloody nose with a tissue.  He took the washcloth Hux handed him and ran it carefully under the water before scrubbing at the blood leaking down to his chin, taking care to avoid the big bruise on his face.

 

“She goes to school in England?”

 

“Boarding school, but she’s here on break.  Usually she lives with Maratelle’s mother.”

 

Oh." Ben didn't know what else to say; he felt like he was treading on dangerous territory as it was, and he didn't want to make Hux feel worse.

  
  
Ben gently cupped Hux's cheek and tilted his face up to look it over, making sure he'd cleaned off all the blood. Hux exhaled slowly, his shoulders slumping and cheek pressing into Ben's palm. The adrenaline had dissipated and now Hux seemed tired, a distant look in his eyes that Ben didn't like one bit.

 

He swallowed around a lump of guilt in his throat. If this had been him (and it should have been, he reminded himself again) sure, he would be in trouble, probably grounded again. But he would have been met with concern, and his mother would insist on cleaning him up, not just leave him to someone else's care. His father would make a "but you should see the other guy, right?" joke, but wouldn't care if Ben had won or lost as long as he was alright.

 

For all his family troubles right now, he was actually not so bad off. He doubted Hux had ever watched Jeopardy while eating homemade mac and cheese with his stepmother, or ate pie at a diner with his father. Maybe separated - the word still stung like a paper cut, but he was beginning to accept its truth - parents who both loved him were still better than married, well-to-do ones who didn't care one bit.

 

Suddenly Hux having the house to himself and doing what he wanted as long as he kept his grades up, things Ben had always envied him for, didn't seem like such a blessing.

 

"Looks better," he said. "We should get you ice for this." He brought his other hand up to hover over the bruise. He began to move his hands away, but Hux caught him by the wrists and kept them there. Their eyes met. Hux's bravado had all but disappeared, leaving something fragile in its place.

 

Ben always thought his big hands looked silly, but with Hux's face cradled in them, and Hux looking like he needed them to keep him together, maybe they weren't so bad.

 

Ben pressed a hesitant kiss to Hux's forehead. When Hux hummed in what he took as contentment, he moved down and kissed his uninjured cheek. He could feel a small smile grow on Hux's cheeks between his hands. Encouraged, Ben continued to press soft kisses all over his face.

 

"You were so badass," he whispered. He wanted to say more, to thank Hux for standing up for him when he wouldn't even stand up for himself.

 

Hux laughed a little, then flinched as it pulled at his bruised cheek and another wave of guilt hit Ben. He pulled back a little to make sure Hux was okay and caught the look of disappointment as Ben's lips moved away.

 

 _Save the pity party for later_ , Ben scolded himself. _He needs you right now._

 

He dropped a clumsy kiss on the bridge of Hux's nose and released his face.

 

"Can I see your hands?" Ben held his out, palms up.

 

Hux blinked and looked down at them, like he'd forgotten all about his scraped knuckles. He settled his hands in Ben's. They were slender and bony but, as Ben had just seen, surprisingly capable. Like Hux.

 

One at a time, Ben held each hand and cleaned the blood away. When he gently applied the Neosporin Hux didn't even flinch. He covered the knuckles of each hand with one of the wider bandaids and smoothed down the edges.

 

When he looked up at Hux again, he seemed better, watching Ben dote on him with a fond expression that Ben didn't feel he deserved.

 

"How's that?" Ben asked.

 

Hux flexed and curled his fingers. He nodded. "Perfect." He leaned in and pressed a kiss to the corner of Ben’s mouth. "Thanks, Boyfriend," he whispered. His lips lingered there and Ben was sure he'd be able to feel the heat as he flushed deeply.

 

But when Hux drew back his gaze went down to his hands again and he frowned.

 

“I’m sorry.  I kind of fucked everything up, didn’t I?”  

 

If Ben didn't know any better he'd have thought the words left his own mouth, considering that's how he felt. But no, it was Hux saying that. Which made _no sense._

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

Hux scowled at his feet and put a hand to his face as if to shield his eyes.  “I just wanted to beat the shit out of that guy.  I’m still thinking about it.  You probably think I’m a maniac or something.  All I wanted was to get lunch with you and hang out and I’ve ruined it.”  He made a fist and winced.  “Shit.  I’m sorry.”

 

Ben took his hand and pried it open. He held it in his and stroked a thumb across the bandaid over his knuckles.

 

“I think... I think that you were brave.” Ben swallowed. Saying it out loud felt like admitting that he was not. “You always say what you think and stand up for yourself. I really like that about you…”

 

The barest hint of a smirk crossed Hux's face.

 

“You make me feel brave.”  He pushed Ben’s hair back behind his ears so he could give them a squeeze.  “You make me feel like I could do anything.  Even sit across from my fucking father at the dinner table and lie my ass off about what happened today.”

 

Ben remembered what his mother had said the other night: that he could talk to her about anything. He felt another little stab of guilt but forced himself not to dwell on it. Not with Hux here, now, telling Ben he made him feel brave.

 

All out of useful things to say, Ben took Hux’s face in his hands, pulled him in close, and kissed him with everything he had.  Hux made a little noise that went straight to Ben’s chest, his heart fluttering behind his ribcage.  When Hux tentatively swept his tongue over Ben’s lower lip he actually went a bit weak in the knees before mimicking the gesture.  

 

“Do you think we’re getting better at this?” Hux murmured against his lips

 

It took Ben a second to get his breathing back under control to answer.

 

“Yeah,” he said with a crooked smile. “But can we do it again? I think we need to make sure.”

 

Hux grinned and kissed him again; kissed his trembling lips and his hot cheeks and the mole just next to his earlobe.  They held one another until Hux’s sister with the weird voice banged on the door and asked what was taking so long because she needed to grab her makeup kit from under the sink.

 

-

 

When Ben arrived home that evening his mother and uncle were sitting at the kitchen table with a photo album.  Uncle Luke had a beer in front of him and to his shock so did his mother.  Sometimes his mom had a glass of wine with dinner but she never touched the cans of Asahi his father kept on the bottom shelf.  At least, he’d never seen it before.

 

“Hey, Kiddo,” his mom said with a genuine smile.  “You’re just in time to see your baby photos.”

 

“God, no,” he groaned.  But he stepped forward so his uncle could pull him into an awkward side hug from where he sat.

 

“I’m going to take you fishing this week,” Uncle Luke said.  “Do you still have your pole?”

 

“Like from when I was a kid?  No.”  He frowned.  Fishing was boring but it might be okay with his uncle.  His dad would have made a big production of it; showing off and falling all over himself to show Ben the right way to do things.  Uncle Luke preferred to keep quiet and would only offer help when asked for it. Like on the camping trip he’d come along for when Ben was twelve.

 

“That’s okay, we’ll get you a new one.”

 

“Luke will be staying with us for a week.  Your dad might be in and out of the house.  I know you’re old enough to be home alone but…”  She trailed off and then shook her head.  “Well you two have a lot to catch up on.”

 

“Wait... Mom, where are you going to be?”

 

“I’ll be spending the week in New York looking at apartments.”  She said it as though it were a perfectly natural thing for her to be doing.  An afterthought.  One that Ben didn’t need to know about until it was right on top of him.  Wounded, he took a step back.

 

“Honey, I promise it’s going to be fine.”

 

“Don’t call me that,” Ben muttered, heading up to his room.   He didn’t want to see the glance his mother and uncle would exchange; one of those weird twin things where they made the same face at the same time.  Didn’t want his mother to shoot him a guilty look.  She obviously didn’t feel that guilty if she couldn’t even be bothered to let him in on her plans.

 

It took him a long time to get to sleep that night.


End file.
